High and low tides

2011-12-08T08:57:00.001-08:00

There's nothing that can describe how I'm feeling right now.. I just want to..

Curl up and cry..

Crying is not enough..

The tears leaving my body aren't bringing enough of the pain and hurt I feel..

I need to curl up..

I need to curl up and hug myself..

Because nobody would hug me, nobody wants to, nobody needs to..

Because all I ever wanted to hug..

Is gone..

2011-11-14T21:53:00.001-08:00

when you are being treated like a dog, worse than a dog in fact.. there is no need for any more questions, there is nothing left to say..

2011-11-14T10:13:00.000-08:00

only one thing left to say..

IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

2011-11-09T12:39:00.000-08:00

Feel so empty inside. They say time heals all wounds, but it doesn't heal the emptiness inside of me. I'm not getting better. I still feel confused, lost, shocked, wounded from within.

On another note, I realise I need to buck up on my floorball, greatly. I need to become better, to really make a difference. We are, we must admit, in a crisis, with good players leaving, getting injured, and many in our team going away during december. As a senior, and for myself, it is my pride and responsibility and passion to be better than this. First and foremost my fitness. Even if I did not improve in skills, my ability to run more, run better, and maintain my sanity and control during the game, will make a huge impact on my quality of play. So most importantly, I need to keep fit in various ways, and take long jogs and do sprints to improve on stamina. Of course, I will need to practise on my technical skills, more than ever, outside of trainings. And in training, focus on tactics and doing my best, and also to continue guiding others.

We are in a do or die situation. We must succeed. But before one can make a difference to a team, I must succeed first. I will. I have to.

2011-11-02T08:33:00.001-07:00

What am I supposed to do if people find me boring? Find me not fun?

Why is that with some people I can be so happy and natural, yet with some it's just wrong..

I am fucking lost.. and I don't know who to talk to.. the person I thought I could trust most.. I realize more and more.. does not really care for me.. when I say something, that perhaps needs help or just a listening ear.. gets brushed aside.. It's saddening..

2011-11-02T08:24:00.000-07:00

Feel utterly depressed about floorball right now. Disinterested, and so damn tired during trainings. So tired and breathless that I feel I'm gonna drop dead anytime soon. And it's not even strenuous activities.

I still enjoy hitting around and practising on my own. But training time is so irritating. I cannot stand it and I'm not sure why.. the coach, the people? And the worse thing is I have to be the team manager and I've to help say things during trainings, and I am so pissed with everything that I shout in a very fierce way. Don't like it at all.

We are supposed to come up with team objectives and quickly say such stuff to wake the team up and bring people together. But it's not helping that we are taking so long to do it. I really really hate what's going on right now. I am so depressed. Cos I used to really love floorball, love the trainings, and I am really sad..

Perhaps also because I am not performing very well either? But I am so damn tired and breathless.. is it really just because I sleep too late? I'll be glad if it's that simple to improve my energy levels. Maybe it's just mental, the attitude.. cos I already find training boring and irritating, that's why I am so lethargic.. Sighhhhhh just hate it..

WHAT TO DO

2011-11-01T11:20:00.000-07:00

you left me.. just when i needed you most..

2011-10-26T07:01:00.000-07:00

Have you ever gotten the feeling of 'why am i doing this' while you are doing something? And it causes you pain.. but you keep on doing it?

Is it called being stupid?

Nights like these, that I feel truly alone in this world.

Sometimes, it's hard not to see all the happy people around you and wonder.. what you are doing wrong..

2011-04-05T08:45:00.000-07:00

why study history?

in this case, because it reminded me of how much more awful certain periods of my life were, and how i should be more appreciative of my life now. the daily scoldings are a thing of the past, for now. now that's something to be grateful for. the poverty also a thing of the past, though this reminds me to be more thrifty and not to overdo things. everyone has to work, and it seems less than half of us actually love our jobs.

what's there to be done except to continue doing your best, with a clear conscience, and not forgetting to look after your own health first.

2011-04-05T08:09:00.000-07:00

Been having headaches for the past two days probably due to prolonged exposure to the sun. I normally never get this. It worries me how stressed and fearful and sad I am. The thing is, I really care but they never seem to believe it. I would have sacrificed just that bit and showed myself, if only I felt an instinct of a tiny tinge of compassion. But no I didn't. To them I'm just a piece of shit on the ground that has the authority somehow to dish out instructions. If the piece of shit tells you it's not feeling well, all the more it will get stepped on, kicked around and laughed at. You destroy my soul. My intention was to go ahead cos I didn't want to miss out and be delayed, but the thought of the torture and the unappreciation and being taken advantage of... I didn't. I am destroyed. I am living in a constant state of sadness and ineptness.

2011-04-05T07:52:00.000-07:00

sometimes i feel as though half of my soul has left my body, sucked out by merciless lack of respect and compassion..

slumped into a chair, feeling my spirit evaporating out into the cold stale air...

drained and desperate for a brighter day...

whatever you call it, some magic, an x-factor, good looks, eloquence, humor... everything and anything that would make this path worth taking...

stumbling with eyes half open, trodding on these rocks that pierce my dignity and drain me of my lifeblood... failing to find that magical stone...

depressing... depressing...

you know what, i found that this is really what i love doing... but how can anyone continue to love when every other day all they receive is disrespect and failure and heartbreak and a total fucking unappreciative mass. probably the fault lies with me and not them. that's why it bothers me. maybe that's why i should leave.

2011-01-04T09:55:00.000-08:00

honestly don't know what i'm good at
everyday is a terrifying challenge
some people spend a whole lifetime and never find out?

and my stupid head hurts everytime i speak a little louder. something is blocked. that sucks most of all. of all things. at least sore throat is explainable.

insomnia. gastric attacks. muscle soreness.

=(

2011-01-03T09:21:00.000-08:00

living in a web of intricacies. it's hard not to prevent my thoughts from going to places i don't like. well school is starting tomorrow. actually pretty excited, but there's always this sense of liking to count down to the next holiday, where i can go on another travel. but the idea of countdown is breaking down into a very very sad area of my mind and my heart that i hate to travel to. and it's making my transition from beanbag to bed a very tough job indeed. why does it have to be this way. every single time i feel that happiness, that perfection, that bliss, that feeling that i am blessed with the best luck in the world. i am reminded that this luck will run out. like precious stones out of a smashed hourglass. all i wanna do now is to run out somewhere and cry my heart out. but i've got to be up and ready in four hours time.

maybe this lifetime isn't good enough for us. but forever? no one will ever understand how another really feels. no one will know how the pages of your book are filled, and even if they do, they'll never be able to comprehend them the same way you do. once in a while, once in your life, maybe someone will. and this silent struggle goes on.

everytime i smile before i go to bed, there's always a tear attached to the corner of my lips. there's the sense of countdown, of minutes and seconds before this will no longer be a reality. and it infuriates me, dampens me, makes a mockery out of me. and i fight with my brains to find a way. but how can you work against a whole institution, a history of errors, the entire world.. i fight and fight real hard but i've always known its out of my control. there's only two things for me to do which is to try my best and try my best..

once again i ask, are blessings and temptations just clever disguises of one another..

2010-11-15T08:07:00.001-08:00

If I couldn't write, I would die.

I think all the anger in me would never find a way to escape out other than in destructive ways. Like screaming at people, cursing referees to go to hell ten times over under my breath, I dunno, punching things? Sooner or later someone will slash me to death. If the anger never escaped, I think it would simmer in my system and acidify and rot and poison all within me. And I would die anyway.

In times of anger and agony, I'm thankful to have the power of the written word. In blogs where it seems like you're talking to no one but hope that someone somehow reads you. In that way someone somewhere listens.

2010-11-15T08:02:00.000-08:00

Don't you believe in heaven or hell or karma?

Do you honestly think that you'll get away with treating people like shit?

Search every corner of your filthy hearts and reflect on your sins, you assholes.

- an open declaration to all you assholes in different shapes and sizes

2010-11-15T07:46:00.000-08:00

They say you blog when emotions come on strongly in your system. What does that mean, I've had a monotonous couple of months? Perhaps, and also cos some things are not meant to be typed out in the open.

Well now I'm very very angry. Wouldn't like to elaborate publicly, but I'm so angry I need to type it out somewhere and shout it out of my system, virtually. There's not just one thing that's making me angry. They come from very different avenues but they never fail to make my heart beat fast and make me wonder if I'm gonna take an early trip to my deathbed.

Basically, in a detached and calm way, I wanna repeat, as I always have, that I absolutely deplore some people. Their f**king assed up personalities. I absolutely hate people who despise others and judge them based on looks. And pretend to be all nice and sugary if they need to, and treat those they despise like shit that grew legs and starting walking the earth. I've been preached to love my enemies, to just live and let live. But there are times that I get so angry, and it makes it even worse when you see people around you getting 'cheated' by such thugs. It makes you very very angry. And sad.
_____________

I guess the reasons you left in the very first place will always come back to haunt you. Some things never change. I can only say I am fuming almost everytime. And it shouldn't be the case, when it was something that brought joy to my life. If it's gonna be this way, I should just stop. Perceived ineptness, apathy, just plain WEIRDNESS. I'm not happy at all.
_____________

Can't comment too much on this cos I just can't. But times like this you just wanna give up. wanna give in. wanna quit the fight. Feel like a ball of fire, blood boiling, temperature rising, anger bursting out of my throat in uncontrollable ways. What is it all worth for? Honestly, nothing.

2010-10-23T03:16:00.001-07:00

tide's pretty low now...

2010-10-23T03:03:00.000-07:00

it hasn't rained in such a long time. in such a big way. i almost forgot how it feels like.

2010-08-30T10:05:00.000-07:00

Fucking angry and sad now.

2010-08-04T10:23:00.000-07:00

Went to SK swimming complex for the first time yesterday, tried the water slide once and it shocked and saddened me that it scared me so much. Cos I used to love these when I was a kid. Does age somehow lower your tolerance for such things? Ok I just googled it and found out that sliding lying down is alot faster than sitting up. I wanna go back and try sliding sitting down, but the thought of it is so scary... They say you're supposed to face up to your fears. But isn't it stupid forcing yourself to try something that scared you so much? Ok I should stop thinking about this now lest I get nightmares again... different manners of which have been plaguing me almost if not every night :( And I can remember a few of them... full-blown war with ships and planes bombing the land, witnessing a weird violent fight of monsters/spirits on some bed, and just last night, some man trying to kill me with a knife in my room...

After speaking about it I have rationalised that I shouldn't be reading new books just before I go to bed.. they fill my brain with too many thoughts and ideas.. good old harry potter is fine...

2010-08-04T10:13:00.000-07:00

and i promise you kid, i'll give so much more than i get

2010-08-02T09:12:00.000-07:00

Some characters disgust me. Their mouths made of moulting moths. Their eyes cold enough to freeze the Saharan sun. And their hearts, full of nothing but the blackest poison.

The best thing anyone has ever said about this is to love your enemies as much as you love your friends.

Forgive and let live.

2010-08-02T09:04:00.000-07:00

Another day of learning to live under authoritarian and unreasonable rule. Prepares you for the real world huh.

Went for a slow jog today but had a headache halfway possibly due to my perpetually inflamed sinuses. Still, exercise is good.

And seeing as to how unhealthy I am, it's 12am and I shall try to go to bed now.

2010-08-01T14:58:00.000-07:00

my life has been such a whirlwind since i saw you
i've been running around in circles in my mind
cos you take me to the places that alone i'd never find

- i can't fight this feeling anymore

2010-08-01T14:52:00.000-07:00

the sky can be damn beautiful sometimes, if we bother to look (at the right time). in perspective, life is pretty darn good, seriously.

2010-08-01T14:21:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling ugly, moody, and at times wishing I could be in the US of A right now. The yearning isn't that bad, thank goodness. It's just that when the issue suddenly beeps on your handphone you start to think about it. It was my groupmate asking me if I could send her my portion of the fyp speech, and my heart ached at how she had to go present alone. Sigh. I guess sometimes it seems that money can buy happiness. It can buy you a way out of misery, a route to adventure, an opportunity for enjoyment, but true happiness can only be felt in the heart, perhaps? I think the brain is too complicated to be happy.

I wonder why after such a long hiatus, I have the sudden urge to blog at 5am in the morning when my head is terribly heavy and my body is hot. And my mind is stubbornly ignoring the consequences of awful sleeping hours.

The 3am sleeping times and lack of cardio for the last few weeks due to injury and sickness have made me a very irritable person. I swear its true. Just one run yesterday and I could feel the happy hormones gushing throughout my body. More of that and earlier sleeping times please. If not for any intrinsic reason then the very fact that league is starting in hopefully a month and I'm still a injury-prone panting chest-clutching wimp on the floorball court. Already miss playing after a one-week break, and hopefully the next training I will be even more humble and focus even more than before.

I've had a short fuse many a time this last week and it's clear the imbalanced hormones are the root of it. More exercise. Better sleeping habits. Necessary.

2010-08-01T14:18:00.000-07:00

Life is a neverending cycle of picking oneself up from failures and appreciating the good instead of whining about the bad.

It's a duty to yourself and your maker.

2010-07-21T08:45:00.001-07:00

I hate hate hate pms. Cos it makes me use the word hate. Three times over.

Arghhhh sometimes it really pisses me off why women have all this nonsense to bear with. Not to mention the cramps which are already creeping in on me, and susceptibility to UTI and bloating due to water retention, I just become extra irritable to people especially those closest to me, when pms comes around! It already feels awful to feel angry on perfectly happy days, then I end up hating myself for it. Cannot stand it. Arghhhhhh. So happy to have this avenue to say all of this out. Or else I'd feel so much more lost and helpless and angry.

I went to watch inception today. I went into the theatre irritable but came out happy cos my mind was boggled with so much till it forgot to be angry. Though it's confusing, I'll have to say I liked it. How can you not like a movie that makes you forget your anger right! Had frog leg porridge and tofu and bbq chicken wings for dinner... satisfying :)) sounds like a very good day right? Yes it really was, but I got moody after dinner again, that's why I hate hate hate myself and thus pms so much.

Wish there was something I could do to limit its horrible effects. Only thing I can think of is more exercise. Speaking of exercise, I've been crippled from doing it for the past few weeks cos of muscle strains then flu. Sian. Not even sure if I should train tomorrow. But the general idea about that is there won't be ntu courts for the next month, and why not train there while I still can. The school should really be compensating our bookings of outside courts, cos the (measly) facilities that we paid miscellaneous fees to ntu for, won't be available to us for one month. It's only fair that the school help us, no? No word about that till now.

Floorball, floorball. Sigh. Period of great confusion where mouths are shut when they should be open.

2010-07-12T04:11:00.000-07:00

better than them
better thru love
better in time

2010-07-12T03:23:00.000-07:00

It's yet another painful episode at 'home'. Received another unreasonable session that's left me with a heart that's beating far too fast and tears rolling down my face. I am freaking helpless as to what to do anymore. I can't escape out every single day isn't it, I'll run out of places to go. But almost every time when I'm home when he returns, I end up like this. Wouldn't it be better if I'm somewhere outside suffering, rather than the extremely ironical situation of being hurt in one's own home.

I hate this but I don't know what to do anymore. Tolerate? How do I stop my heart from racing in the wrong direction and for the wrong reasons? Breathe deeper? Close my eyes? Remind myself not to be affected by rubbish?

And when things like this happen, I am reminded of why my personality sucks. Cos I grew up watching all of this nonsense, being unsatisfactory human beings, being filthy bad tempered accusatory hypocrites. How do you feel confident about yourself when every little wrong move would earn you a beating? How do you feel confident about suggesting ideas and speaking up when all you get is a shutup and an ignorance of your ideas when they are explicitly asked for? How do you channel your anger in more positive ways when you see furniture being thrown about, family members strangled and beaten up... heck, how do you even stop yourself from being angry at trivial things, when an 8 year old child can get beaten up just for dropping a piece of apple on the ground?

Seriously sometimes I just hate myself. My stupid bad temper and mean descriptions of people. And then I find someplace to blame. Last night the examples fell so conveniently to me again. The whole so-called family was watching the world cup match and they just insulted and insulted players in illogical ways that I was fuming in my seat.

I'm already heartened by other positive aspects, but the mistakes I make never fail to haunt me, beating my self esteem even lower as I fear rejection by people as a result. Of course, there is that neverending strife to improve. Though here and there rotten things always happen and hamper my progress.

And as of now I have no idea how to help myself, except tolerance avoidance and hopes for a positive posting so I'm getting out of this place for good.

Lesson for today:
NO scolding people
NO beating people
NO insulting people
NO talking in bad tempered ways
NO blackface

2010-07-08T10:23:00.001-07:00

Something dirty must have found its way into my stomach again. Pain and mild diarrhoea yesterday, and persisting nausea today. I didn't really notice that I tend to get stomach pains often until someone pointed it out to me. Already know that I easily get gastric and acid reflux, the whole stomach issue is quite worrying. Western medicine can't produce a cure, only remedies for its symptoms, looks like I've to look to chinese medicine for some help. First piece of advice I got was to stop eating spicy food, which is already super tough! Argh. But I better have some discipline before something bad really happens. Less chilli please. Oh on a sidenote no garlic chilli when meeting people cos it'll make the mouth stink hahaha.

Rather saddd that Germany lost to Spain in the world cup yesterday. I started out liking both these sides but Spain have been under fire and the attractive Germans have stolen my heart. Though the statistics still show that Spain have the better players and chances, sometimes hard facts don't attract you, results do. So I ended up rooting for the Germans, who were ultimately too afraid of the opposition, played too defensive and lost to a single goal from a corner. Though technically inferior, I wish they took abit more risk, hmph. Still, hoping they put up another strong fight for 3rd place!

Wonder how our feelings can become so attached to these sports teams we support. How the outcomes that have no real bearings on our lives (betting aside) can alter our moods so much. Perhaps we admire some players and teams so much that we feel sad and wasted when they lose. Perhaps we just don't like to be 'wrong' and simply want our choice team to win.

During the last training I felt super sian cos my line let in goal after goal against our own teammates. Though it wasn't directly my fault, I felt I could have done better, and just hated the feeling of being in the losing team. I have become a sore loser. Goodness. And I am ashamed of myself. Must remind myself to stop this arrogance and humbly continue working to improve. I must learn to lose all over again.

Training today was much better. Somehow the change in position from defender to playmaker returned a little form back to me. Felt the line worked pretty well together and could link up with all of them.

Have a very irritating thigh and butt strain again though. Hate it. Must really be more careful with the warm up, jog slowly first before running, make light passes before throwing my weight down. Speaking of which, I need to lose weight, maybe all that heavy weight is causing strain to the muscles. Ok it most likely is. Haha. Now there is a concrete reason.

It's 3am and my previously acceptable body clock is now haywire again. Oh well the world cup only happens once every four years.

2010-07-05T05:48:00.001-07:00

The way my nerves and arteries are being punished like this. I am intensely worried for my health. And I've long since stopped complaining cos it'll just bring heartbreak for those unable to help me in any way. I don't understand what is wrong with them. And what is it with me that hates it so much.

2010-06-30T06:18:00.000-07:00

courage to go slow
courage to look back
courage to try and succeed when they say 'you can't'

2010-06-28T06:38:00.000-07:00

Tolerance
Reminder of the positives
Maturity
Reasonable argument
Getting away

NEVERENDING STRIFE TO BE BETTER THAN WHAT I WAS BROUGHT UP ON

2010-06-20T05:39:00.000-07:00

I've walked with angels under that star-filled sky, and now it's back to reality. Back to the enduring dissastisfaction and pain that put wings on my back and prompted my intent to get out of this country once and for all.

People get married and have families, cos they wanna spend the rest of their lives with more happiness and more love. A family should be where the heart is, home a place you enjoy being. And I'm terribly sad that I can't say the same. Even on a day without all-out scolding, I'm bored and sian and unhappy about being at home, and get more lethargic as the day goes by. And I got told off and accused with illogical arguments. I hate it. To sum it up, I'm just bothered by how I don't like being at home. It's not normal. It's tragic. There were weekends whereby I would go out and not bother being at home cos I know it'd suck. I can do that again when there are league games to watch in tampines in weeks to come.

I feel bad when I hear about friends' happy times with their families. Them talking to, going out with, and having truthful relationships with their parents. And I question how much at fault I am, for being unable to say the same.

Someone who once talked behind my back said I liked many people before. Won't deny it's true, there's an empty spot somewhere that yearns to be filled.

2010-06-20T05:30:00.000-07:00

oh, why you look so sad
tears are in your eyes
come on and come to me now
don't be ashamed to cry
let me see you through
cos i've seen the dark side too

when the night falls on you
you don't know what to do
nothing you confess
can make me love you less

i'll stand by you
i'll stand by you
won't let nobody hurt you
i'll stand by you

so, if you're mad get mad
don't hold it all inside
come on and talk to me now
hey, what you got to hide
i get angry too
well i'm alot like you

when you're standing at the crossroads
don't know which path to choose
let me come along
cos even if you're wrong

i'll stand by you
i'll stand by you
won't let nobody hurt you
i'll stand by you
take me in into your darkest hour
and i'll never desert you
i'll stand by you

and when, when the night falls on you baby
you're feeling all alone
you won't be on your own

i'll stand by you
i'll stand by you
won't let nobody hurt you
i'll stand by you

2010-06-20T03:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just want to 离家出走.

2010-06-13T10:07:00.000-07:00

Had the most tired-out training yesterday, for a long long time! Left leg aching badly since friday but i just hecked and played on and on. Game in training time was all-out horrible and I was quite pissed with myself. But the 3 on 3 after that was LOVE. Reminds me so much of the good old times when we played with the guys, especially in the hall 12 function hall. I guess those are days gone by that will never come back. Very very fond days :)

I'm starting to love floorball again.

Went to watch tempest play jupitans at tsh after training. 8-1!!! Yayyy so happy :) Following matches were quite boring though. One-sided affairs are only fun to watch if you're rooting for the winning team haha. That said, two bad sides are even worse to watch. Which was the case in the last few world cup matches I've been catching. Real bore.

Germany vs Australia coming up in an hour though! Looks like I can stay up to watch a 2.30 match this time. Set an alarm for England vs USA yesterday but refused to wake up haha. Germany are one of my favored sides, I've quite a few of them, but can't say I'm a loyal fan of any one team. Hmm. Go Spain. Haha.

Will be escaping from this place for a few days, where hopefully the weather is cooler and the sky is clearer.

2010-06-11T10:32:00.000-07:00

2010-06-11T10:00:00.000-07:00

Words can't express how happy I feel to be finally totally rid of that irresponsible and screwed-up company. Suffice it to say that they made me appointments no less than thrice, before they finally met me to hand over the pay, a full one and a half hours later than the agreed on meeting time that is. Really very bad luck to meet such people. No more of that laosai. At last.

So the final meeting place was downtown east, and I was thinking about how measly the pay is, how much money I wasted traveling and my general poverty etc. And I decided to walk home from downtown east by the way we normally take for foc amazing race, which is under the mrt track. But I crossed at an earlier traffic light I normally wouldn't have, and stumbled upon the tampines park connector route. Time being a luxury now, I decided to take this longer but more scenic route back. Rediscovered the joy of walking long distances. And after I reached home, I set off for another walk to bedok reservoir. Really good time enjoying the walks and the views around me. Legs didn't feel too good in the end cos of the strain from training the day before though.

I felt that the day was a case of a flower growing out of a pile of laosai. Happy day alone :) Nice dinner and peaceful night at home after that. Watched the opening world cup match on channel 5 just now.. rather sian cos its South Africa and Mexico, but looking forward to the other matches!!

2010-06-09T11:32:00.000-07:00

i think white chocolate mocha's starting to grow on me

2010-06-07T07:00:00.000-07:00

It's 10pm and i've been home from my walk only a mere 45 minutes. Apparently, no matter how long a walk I could take, how long I could spend sitting around in the park, nothing is enough. I spent just that 45 minutes sitting in front of the tv with them and that was enough friction to end in a screamfest that the whole block and perhaps neighbourhood can hear. He accused me of doing something wrong again which I didn't, and I lost my cool this time and that was it. Maybe I was malicious and did it on purpose to prove how much of a hell this place is. He scolded me chaocheebye more than 5 times, threatened to take a knife and attack me and said he has nothing to lose by going to jail or dying, and told me to get out of the house and not come back if I wanted to. Then he told my mum he always told her that he never wanted kids and having kids is useless. My mum scolded me for losing my cool and said I shouted cos I am getting arrogant cos I'm earning my own money soon. Another piece of stupid nonsense from hearing people gossip and looking at one-sided examples. I told her I have alreay tolerated his scoldings so many times, I was bound to erupt soon.

The reason why all this is surfacing here, is cos I've learnt how to blog on my phone. Normally, my anger would have subsided by the time I turn on the computer. But now it's good for me that I have this avenue of letting out my anger and try to reduce the anguish by complaining it to anyone who would read this.

I've once warned myself never to give this place another chance, but I let my guard down time and again. New rules for now: get out as much as possible, and whilst here, do not be in the same room, and while being accused, just don't answer. Hmm but the screaming doesn't break my heart that much anymore, it's just another day. Will I really get chopped to pieces in my sleep? Unlikely, but I lock my door at night to safeguard my life just a little.

2010-06-07T03:42:00.000-07:00

Guess what it's another awful day in the hellhole. Correction, make that just an awful one and a half hours. Within first minute of his coming back, got accused of sleeping in bed till 5pm, instead of the fact that I went out to take photo for a card in the afternoon. What mental illness is that? Inability to believe the truth? Cue the next few moments, starts vacuuming the floor with sounds of the vacuum cleaner slamming around and indistinct yells of swear words under the suction noises. Cue the next hour, I'm having dinner and I hear a angsty nonsensical voice scream, 'how am I supposed to mop the floor later if you all are at home?' I had no answer so I kept quiet. In the next 10 seconds, bloodcurdling, violent shouts erupted from behind me, i had no idea what they were for, then realized maybe he was shouting at the dog to get lost from the vacuum cleaner. I swear my heart jumped in it's place at the sound of it and it's still not restored to calm now.

So yes that's just an average day in hell. I imagine, this is how real hell is like. And this is a classic reminder why I never want to be home when he is. Go to the library, wherever, just keep away as much as I can. Then again, it's not nearly enough. I need to get out for good. I have been angered every day since I shifted back, when the days in hall were so happy and with very very few if not no angry posts. I don't care how they wanna condemn me for it, I have to do what's best for myself.

Gonna go for a walk now, for as long as I can.

2010-06-05T00:16:00.000-07:00

Very very very depressed disappointed discouraged by bad luck at work now. Taking my time at lunch and if they ever ask me why I took so long, I'll say I feel faint and have chest pains, which isn't that far from the truth. And remind them that the other 2 part time staff came more than an hour late, with no consequences at all. I was already working a full hour earlier than them and brought in people which the staff failed to convert into sales. Idiot who came so late brought in and wow staff secured a sale. How not to feel discouraged? I've been psychoing myself for the past few hours just to grin and bear with it, but I feel so sian now I don't think I can go back there and smile somemore. Sighhh. Besides bad luck there is definitely something fishy going on in this screwed up company. Wouldn't name any names but on a personal basis I would advise friends never to buy their exhorbitant products. I'll have to finish out the work, one and a half days left. But heck the commissions already, they don't deserve to sell anything anyway.

2010-06-04T10:56:00.000-07:00

These are the happiest and angriest days of my life. The nature of these two powers must be pretty damn great for them to coexist.

I'm getting increasingly pissed with my dad cos he scolded me for totally unreasonable 'reasons'. Totally regret letting him give me a 3 minute lift to the mrt on thursday morning. In just that threeee minutes he SHOUTED and SCOLDED me for not wanting to eat my bread on the cab. I reasoned that I wanted to eat it on the way to the train station or while walking to my destination later and he continued SHOUTING WHYYYYYY, WHY AM I SO DISOBEDIENT AND DIFFICULT. And went on to SHOUT at how I am bad and so on and don't do any housework, when I swear I do. Should really follow wy's advice and video myself doing it so that I can shuff it into his face the next time. BUT that won't solve anything. Polite, sensible, triumphant arguments won't solve anything cos he'll just get angrier if he realises he's wrong and go on to scold even more unfairly. Making you more and more enraged and you start losing your cool and ultimately YOU LOSE.

He ruins my days. Just that heart-wrenching three minute shoutfest in the morning made me feel awful about myself the entire day. Jokes from people about my 'shortcomings' and 'mistakes' left me blackfaced and close to tears everytime. Still, thursday was great and ended with floorball and very enjoyable and affordable teochew porridge at kovan :) It's just that I have problems coming to terms with being moody to people. I feel so bad about it cos it's wrong. What else can I do except to look forward to the days whereby I can avoid this. Cos I'm very sure, without provoking, I'm not that unpleasant and vulgar, like those blissful heavenly days in hall.

And today, friday, I was working, already an agonising experience. The evening was really happy as well and I had supper with friends at cartel till 11 plus. I messaged my mum to tell them that I was out and a friend would be sending me back later. Few minutes later my phone rang and my mum asked me to stop going out and come home now cos its dangerous. I told them I was getting a lift. In the background I heard him yell TOK COK. He even doubts that I'm getting a lift, tell me, how illogical is that. In a few seconds the phone was passed to him, and I get SHOUTED at for going out after work, when I should have come straight home, and that it's dangerous to come back so late. Honestly I know the second half is concern, but as I told them before when initially they didn't wanna let me go to Vietnam cos its 'dangerous'... if you're so paranoid, what's the point of living? This cannot do that cannot do, what's the point even if you live to a hundred? First scolding point, NO GOING OUT AFTER WORK COME STRAIGHT HOME. As usual, I can only say it's cos they don't have friends. And, I don't know. It's just unreasonable to me. And midway he shouted ASK THEM TO SHUT UPPPP cos my friends at the table were talking and maybe he thought they were talking to me. The shouting and shouting and shouting made me so angry that I banged my fist on the table and sofa even though I tried to control my strength. The shouting is almost driving me insane. Most of the time the shouting is so loud that I can't really make out the words so I just put the phone away from my ear to prevent ear damage.

I don't know why I get so affected by it recently. Maybe everything boils down to a matter of not being used to it. I would just endure it but as I said it's ruining my days, my life. I can't hide it anymore and I don't care if the whole world sees my dirty linen. Even though I can hide the linen, I can't rub off the dirt that has seeped into my heart. I feel like a angry moody person because of all this hurt. And I hate it. I want to be a better person.

Cos of this recent spike in nonsense, I have no mood to go to US anymore, since I've to get/borrow money from him. It's really an utter shame and blow to have to use money from someone who ruins your life on a daily basis. So my latest notion is to limit the amount of money I have to take. Still under consideration. Sigh.

i shall wear you to bed
cos you make me safe in a crazy world

2010-06-02T10:22:00.000-07:00

tired legs happy hearts :)

2010-05-31T11:04:00.000-07:00

So this is two years. Thank you for being with me throughout my lows, which was pretty much most of the time haha. I'll be sure to share my highs with you too. Happy anniversary blog.

2010-05-31T10:47:00.000-07:00

I stumbled upon my journal entries from two to three years back, from the days where my eyes were caked from crying and my soul was parched. I wish I could go back in time to hug the then-me. It was so horrible, so bleak, so painful. Even tearing at the memory of all the pain, which is pretty distant and blurry by now. My words were so childish, so pathetic, so deluded. I can't believe I ever let myself live through those days. Those dark dark nights and cold cold shoulders. Goodness. *shivers* I feel so absolutely blessed and peaceful and happy now. Went through an intensive upgrade from piece of shit to actual human being :) And I wanna remind myself to be wiser, but not cynical, and most importantly to appreciate the present cos its a whole lot better :)

that was nonsense, this is living

2010-05-31T10:15:00.000-07:00

Fourth day of work, five more to go. Time passed pretty quickly I must say, seemed like the first day not too long ago! Being a weekday it wasn't too crowded today too, spent most of my time laughing and laughing at some WEIRD and slack and just WEIRD colleague. Hahahaha. Did not feel like a workday. I've been feeling high and energetic even at late hours for the past two nights! Think I really laughed too much, endorphins are coursing through my veins.. That's good, hope they help me NOT to gain weight from the suppers these past 4 days... prata-cakebread-rotijohn-cakebread oh no hahaha.. but looks as though there's training on thursday which I'm off work yay!

$__$

2010-05-30T10:21:00.000-07:00

fourth sunday of may, very happy day :)
and we're cruising into june...

2010-05-30T09:43:00.001-07:00

wouldn't it be nice if we were older
then we wouldn't have to wait so long
and wouldn't it be nice to live together
in the kind of world where we belong

you know it's gonna make it that much better
when we can say goodnight and stay together

wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
in the morning when the day is new
and after having spent the day together
hold each other close the whole night through

2010-05-29T10:32:00.000-07:00

Lack of blog posts recently, fulfilling times outside the hell-hole and fiery ones in it. Spent the last two days working. Though it's tough and painful and tiring, I love it cos it allows me to spend almost the entire day outside and come home only at 10 - 11 plus. Thus minimizing time at home. Haha sounds tragic isn't it, how much I hate it. That's what's keeping me going, the obvious influx of money, little as it may be, and the freedom for the day :) yippie :)

And sometimes, a tiny bit of hardship really makes life more enjoyable. Just for these two days, I started to eat my meals more slowly and appreciatively, and the feeling of sitting or lying down after standing for so many hours is just one word... woahhhhh... The feet hurt but there's also a weird and almost pleasant tingling feeling when I'm lying down right now. Endorphins to the rescue perhaps.

The weather is starting to get exceedingly warm again. It was unbearable a couple of weeks/months back in hall too I guess? I've the aircon and fan on in my room now and it reminds me of hall. my room. my dear, room. *fond* The memory is just so painful, sigh. How can life be so good, so perfect then, and so lacking now. Hopes and yearns for a similar near future, please.

Meanwhile, I still feel amazed and lucky every single day, and I appreciate that. Almost, I feel that there is a god bestowing blessings on me.

:)

2010-05-26T09:50:00.000-07:00

I wonder whether in the future, when I have a stable, reasonable income, I'll ever fall into such a rut again. Of course I hope not, I hope I won't overspend, I hope I don't go bankrupt. Cos this feeling really really sucks. To not even have the basic finances to go out with friends and carefree-ly eat the same things and do the same things. It's like a fucking dark cloud hanging across my forehead all the time. Worry worry worry.

There are so many people around who earn their own keep, and I can only blame myself for not doing the same since I came into university. My own laziness and dependence. I can say I really really regret it. Having to take measly amounts of money from people who scold me everyday is the worst thing ever. Who have no friends and thus think that going out with friends is 'wanting to fly, bad for your health' (their words). And if I ever have kids, I promise to never make them feel the way I felt. To be reminded time and again since young of the sufferings, the sacrifices, the unwillingness to spend money on me, the way they said it MADE ME FEEL BAD. And which kid should ever feel bad for being born, for needing food to eat and clothes to wear? If you are so unwilling to spend money on your kids, why the fuck have kids? I know that working is tough and there are sacrifices to be made, but you don't need to say it in such a BLAMING way. Don't ALL parents need to work and sacrifice and save money for their kids? I don't see all of them BLAMING THEIR KIDS THIS WAY. It's not like I ever spend exorbitant amounts of money since I was young. I was always thoughtful and tactful even at a young age not to ask for unnecessary things cos I acknowledge and appreciate their sacrifice. Don't think they noticed though.

The other day I was watching this show called FATAL DADS on cable tv's crime network. It showed a series of stories of men who killed their pregnant wives or girlfriends. The men had something in common - violence, overwhelming need to control the women. And I shuddered. And ok so there are men who never wanted to become fathers. I get reminded of that day in day out for the past twenty years.

This is a time of my life whereby I've finally been blessed with everything I could want. I should be happy, I am. But this tampines hell-hole brings me anger every single day. I feel bad for existing sometimes, to need things. To reside in an affluent country, to have friends of normal (better) finances. I am a result of my environment. I have no choice but to desire the things our society desires. It's just my own stinking fault for not devising my own moneymaking schemes earlier.

No matter. No use for regrets. My time of filthy dependence is almost over. Almost. Temp job in 2 days.

And once again, a word of caution for anyone of reproductive age and ability. Having kids is not about 'liking babies, liking kids', that must be the silliest reason ever cos don't kids grow out of being kids in like 10 years? It's also not about peer or kaypohfuck aunties and mother-in-law pressures or the need for someone to provide for you when you get old. Never have kids if your heart's not in the right place cos you'd only bring a condemned soul into the world. And if your personality sucks, all the more, please wear those fucking condoms and take those pills, cos even though your kid might not suck, the torture you inflict on him over the years will suck his soul dry anyway. Let the nice and loving people have more kids. The world will be a happier place this way.

And that's why, I really don't know if I'll ever be ready to have kids.

2010-05-26T09:03:00.000-07:00

YesYEsyesyesYESyESyesyeSYesYEsYesyesyesYEs

I have officially graduated from NTU, bachelor of communication studies! Very very worried about the electives this sem... so... super happy now!!! FYP got A, the other subs not good, but no changes to honors.

YES :)

2010-05-22T12:41:00.000-07:00

cradled by happiness
the fear of dependence creeping up on me

2010-05-22T12:34:00.000-07:00

that night, i slept late. kept up by the neurons firing through my heart, blood pumping through my brain.

it's three thirty three and i haven't been kept up this late for a very long time. i like it this way, and i'd like to keep it like this.

2010-05-22T11:04:00.001-07:00

Maybe I can take heart from my past failures. To make the cut. To win the trust. To play the game. Uncertainties from high to lower. Could I gain confidence from having fallen down, rejected. Are the issues cross-applicable? What if it's hell, what if they're right. Are what we are capable of entrenched in our upbringing, our DNA, or can I make a difference now?

Can I actually?

2010-05-22T10:07:00.000-07:00

Actually, I'm very sad over my inadequacies. Questions of what I'm good for. I try my best to put on a brave front most of the time. But when I'm alone, all I wanna do is cry.

why am i oh why am i so lousy
what oh what am i good at

Failure to measure up. What's wrong.

Trying very hard to look on the bright side, look at the big picture. But the grains of self-blame won't leave me now. They rub against my palms, my eyes, my heart.

Sad.

2010-05-18T11:11:00.000-07:00

2010-05-16T03:06:00.000-07:00

it's so wrong but it's so right
we could swing either way
i love gloomy rainy days
you may say its depressing
but i don't know
to me it's just mysteriously enjoyable
like a scar you shouldn't scratch

2010-05-14T10:49:00.000-07:00

in and out of any weather i see that rainbow
i feel like how i should on a crisp summer's day
and an ice cold coke
that's how i see it

2010-05-14T10:17:00.000-07:00

I've read many a post by people who have been on exchange, saying that its a semester away from the reality and stresses of life. Though I've never been on one myself, I had a full four years away from reality. Now it's back to being a mere mortal in this house of mine. This place, where there's not enough space in the cupboards to keep my stuff. I realised with a jolt while stuffing my undergarments into drawers that it was half as deep as the ones in hall. Hall, where the cupboard space in my single room was meant for two people. Oh, the luxury. Akin to being on exchange and not having to face up to supervision, having freedom and the best time of your life. I had that. I was free of the daily scoldings that drove them to sickness and violence. I was free. For now, I'm not. And it's seizing my heart and charging it up my throat. There's this sickening feeling of chest tightness and puking and I clear it up by raising my voice. Which undoubtedly makes things worse. What's the root of all this evil? Money, or lack thereof. Soon, soon.

Too many years of this = hospital, hougang chalet, changi prison. One, two or all of the above. Better to spend some money and move out, rather than use it on treatment in the future.

2010-05-12T11:44:00.000-07:00

i'm really scared right now. i'm not used to people hating me. but there's no one to talk to right now. and no one will understand how i exactly feel. still, it'd be good for daybreak to come, when i can talk to someone again.

shivers.

2010-05-10T11:17:00.000-07:00

i don't mind being in lalaland cos we're happy here :)

2010-05-08T08:41:00.000-07:00

how did i get so lucky

there are things in life that get me down. shadows from the past that make me overly worried about my normal human behavior. poisonous people who hate me, and honestly that feeling really sucks. the extreme lack of money currently, which reminds me i need to learn to be more thrifty. and the nagging need to shift out of the wonderful place i called home for the past three years. haha ok wonderful is relative, cos the toilets and surroundings are getting dirtier by the day. but still, my little room rocks. it rocks even more so now. and i've to go. so this is really goodbye. no more tomorrows this time. i'll remember you for as long as i live.

how did i get so lucky, to have you
everything else is relative
:)

2010-05-01T10:55:00.000-07:00

Went to Victoria Concert Hall to watch a symphonic band performance today. When the first notes played, I thought to myself, this is the sort of life that I've been waiting for. And I didn't know it. I wandered the maligned and lonely years, not knowing what I was searching for. And this is it.

sophistication brewed with beautiful maturity and good taste.

2010-04-29T18:17:00.000-07:00

Haha, I knew my paranoia and fear of your characters wasn't unfounded. You really did the very things I expected you to do. The question is why. Why is it important for you to do it. Why is it necessary.

I went out to jp to cut my hair yesterday night right after my last paper, as a sign of celebration and release? Unfortunately it's a little too short, shorter than all the other times I've cut it. And with people talking about it and after looking at it extensively in the mirror, I was angry with myself. Though I told myself that this is supposed to be a happy day and nothing should spoil it, the calmness only lasted as long as solitude. Irritated. What can I say, ugly hair, too-short hair, will grow back one day. Soon. So what if I'm a little suay, maybe I will have good luck in other areas. Hopefully exams :)

And you, who tried to spoil my mood on my happy day. I am heartened by the lack of anger and blame I feel towards you. You are merely my pawns in a computer game, whose thoughts and actions are so predictable and imbecilic that I feel powerful.

Today's gonna be an even happier day.

It's friday :)

2010-04-29T18:09:00.000-07:00

Was it a wait of fifteen mistakes, two and a half hours, one week or four years... After all is said and done, all the mistakes made, I just sat in an ntu exam hall and wrote down my matric number lovingly for the last time in my life. Anticlimatic feelings, as always. But happy that my very last paper was enjoyable and positive. East asian history is really interesting. Though I still couldn't pull myself to 930 lectures, the studying experience was honestly fun.

Now all I can do is cross my fingers and toes. For everything.

2010-04-23T19:48:00.000-07:00

With every passing minute, irritation is escalating to anger. And good sense and logical judgment dissolving into conspiracy theories and paranoia.

Grrrrr.

2010-04-23T19:35:00.000-07:00

When things are going well, the questions are not of the present, but of the past and future. And the conflicts of interest just outside the boundaries. I feel so unnatural, not because of what's happening, but because of the situations I'm obliged to participate in. I wish there was a way to avoid this, I wish the reasons were legitimate enough. I was preparing for this storm in paradise, and like most storms are, this is out of my control. And any attempt to tame the elements is gonna backfire on me.

Sitting alone in the library, being asked to book another table in addition to the one I'm sitting at. The awkwardness and feelings of having to tell someone that I'm booking 4 precious seats for people I don't even know, numbers I'm not even sure of, is making my face hot and my heart uneasy. I guess every river current needed a ripple and this was it.

In short, I'm getting irritated, which is sort of a forbidden emotion in this world I'm living in right now.

couldyoujustfarkoff?unfair?petty?thinktoomuch?idontknow.

2010-04-18T03:35:00.000-07:00

happiness is not a fish that you can catch
maybe that's why it feels so slippery and surreal

2010-04-15T11:37:00.000-07:00

Can I say that this was the happiest night all semester? One minute into the run, I immediately regretted not doing this for the past six months, or more, eeks. But then again, I didn't have anyone to run with me then. I like running alone sometimes, but it's such a big joy to have someone to run with, someone to encourage you, to sing with you, to talk and laugh with you. Although it's way too late to really do work now, although I have uncomfortable urinary tract again. I'm happy :)

2010-04-12T21:45:00.000-07:00

The days are running away from me like ants making their getaway with cake from an open table. Right now, I only have fyp presentation on the 19th to prepare for. Everything else is done. I'm so happy that german oral is done yesterday, was rather scared about it! But it seems like I did quite well :) It appears like there's so little to study and so much time this exam. 3 subjects, 2 weeks. Only problem is the photocopying of the history textbook. So mafan! Grr hates.

I feel born again, to be awake and active and happy at 11 in the morning. Where have I been?

2010-04-11T12:38:00.000-07:00

Are we wired to enjoy what's wrong, what's dangerous and what will hurt the most when you fall? Did our ancestors learn that it was worth it for survival? Nah natural selection and reproduction is not the answer to everything. I think too much. Should just shut up and smile :)

2010-04-11T12:19:00.000-07:00

This is gonna be a post about dreams.

I feel like I'm dreaming, and I hope I'm not. Cos this feels so good I can't believe that it's real. But then again, couldn't life be just a dream, if we're gonna turn to ashes when we die? Isn't life then just a very very long dream? I hope there's more to the afterlife. I hope nothing is a dream.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have expected this, hoped for this, yearned for this. Never.

When I think of dreams, I think of perfect blue skies and cotton candy clouds. And we're sitting on them. For real.

2010-04-07T11:20:00.000-07:00

Those sticks and balls told me that if you can't do something, try half of it first. If you never try, you never know, if you don't try hard enough, you won't find out too. Although some things may seem impossible at first, if you set your heart and mind to it, just maybe, you'll succeed. Those courts and whistles remind me that as long as I live, there'll always be something I'll need to improve on. Cos honestly, there are some things we'll just never be that good at, or bad habits we'll never totally get rid of. That's where acceptance and assimilation comes in, but that doesn't mean that we should stop trying.

Those days. That I'm already terrified of missing. Correction, this time, it does qualify as missing. We might not have noticed it, but we have already had the last league trainings of our undergraduate life. And I spent it being unhappy in tempest training. What a waste. Thank goodness for the presence of the storm sisters. There's a dull ache in me already. I wonder if I'll burst out in tears when I really have to leave this place that I call home.

The past few months, I really wasn't that happy in hall anymore and was glad to use it as a silver lining for my graduation. But right now, all the tables have turned again and I'm not sure if I'm playing my cards right. Then again, I'm winning, and I should cherish that. What will be, will be.

2010-04-06T10:49:00.000-07:00

another one from the carpenters...

after long enough of being alone
everyone must face their share of loneliness
in my own time nobody knew
the pain i was going through
and waiting was all my heart could do

hope was all i had until you came
maybe you can't see how much you mean to me
you were the dawn breaking the night
the promise of morning light
filling the world surrounding me
when i hold you

baby baby feels like maybe things will be alright
baby baby your love's made me
free as a song
singing forever

only yesterday when i was sad and i was lonely
you showed me the way to leave the past and all the tears behind me
tomorrow may be even brighter than today
since i threw my sadness away
only yesterday

2010-04-05T11:26:00.000-07:00

It's the time of the season for schoolwork and exams again. And once again, it's not a dreaded time for me. Cos I take things easy and I've not been doing schoolwork all semester anyway. So yes libraries and more libraries and more songs on youtube... today's choices...

i'll say goodbye to love
no one ever cared if i should live or die
time and time again the chance for love has passed me by
and all i know of love is how to live without it
i just can't seem to find it

- the carpenters

life can show no mercy
it can tear your soul apart
it can make you feel like you've gone crazy but you're not
and things have seemed to change
there's one thing that's still the same
in my heart you have remained
and we can fly, fly, fly away

- michael buble

I think walking through libraries, especially those with sun-filled shelves stacked with interesting books, makes one feel good. To be surrounded by so much intellect and feeling, perhaps you can feel it emanating from the pages. And libraries have so many books that even if you spent the rest of your life reading, you wouldn't be able to finish them. That is its sheer volume and the limitations of life on earth. But it doesn't mean that we shouldn't try...

2010-04-04T11:53:00.001-07:00

Haha I went to the toilet and broke a cup. I was washing the cup and flinging it around to make it dry, and I misjudged and hit it too hard against the sink. Bammm, broken. Now it's up on my shelf, part of my alcohol memorabilia. Now I've forgotten what I want to blog about. Hmmm... Oh yeah... I'm terribly sad when my parents talk about my shifting home. They ask about when is the last date and when are we doing it etc. And I'm so freaking sad. I can't believe I have to shift home. Sighhhh... It's been a good weekend, my dad is somehow in a fabulous mood. But the thought of leaving hall is so gahhhh right now. Need a hug urgh!

2010-04-04T11:01:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking, most of the time not consciously, not at times I would expect nor like. Why and how things happen, and why didn't they. I have regrets. But I also think some things can't be controlled by the hands of man. Perhaps, they can only be controlled by the hands of time. I think of things I've loved and lost, of things that I placed the seeds of my trust in, things that sowed my secrets far and wide. Empathy and forgiveness, but also unworthiness. If the sand hadn't slipped out of my palms, if the birds hadn't taken a migratory holiday, perhaps I wouldn't have...

It's 2am, early for my standards, I'm drinking for the first time in 3 weeks, once again, long for my standards. And I think I've just lost control of the bottle... this is a reminder of the importance of better control. Of judgment, of angles, of consequences...

2010-04-04T10:26:00.000-07:00

I have high hopes in this mixture of black and white. I'm hoping it can taste good, feel good, drown thoughts and provide answers all at once. Well three quarters through and I think I'm three quarters pleased :) I can't really complain when I think too much cos I'm happy, there shouldn't be anything to whine about. Sometimes, life is lived best when you don't know what you're doing, what is coming, and how you're gonna deal with it. Sing for the moment.

sing with me, sing for the year
sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
sing it with me, just for today
maybe tomorrow, the good lord will take you away

2010-03-31T12:19:00.000-07:00

Haha another postless three days, and I'm starting to cultivate the habit of remembering to blog when I'm happy. Ok well I'm pretty worried bout the history essay today, just noticed that the country I'm doing on isn't covered within the last few chapters, but technically it's still under East Asia. It's too late to change topic now, and the most I can do is to cross my fingers and toes and hope that the prof is lenient and allow me a pass please. I'm even considering removing the SU option so that I can pass even if it is a D.

Still, it was an intensive and productive last three days. Went to JE library to take down the information I needed from a book there, and spent the whole of wednesday finishing up the essay. No matter how horrible the outcome can be, I've put in the effort and it's done! Conference paper is also already edited. Now there's just that management essay due next wednesday <1600 hrs. And fyp presentation but that's still pretty far away on 19 April. Ok there's also german oral on 12 April. Why does the second half of the semester seem oh so short, it feels like only a few weeks since the break and now it's coming to a close? It saddens me now that this semester is really going to come to an end so soon :( This sentiment is making me cherish the fact that since there is still schoolwork, I'll still get to enjoy my undergrad life. Oh but post-exam fun is pretty good too :)

Been happy the past few days really, glad to get the essay done, and especially cos I got to play my favorite sport besides floorball... badminton. Sometimes I love it even more than floorball, cos I'm not trained in it and thus don't need to feel so sad and inadequate over it as I do for floorball so much of the time. Haven't had the luxury of playing it for almost 2 years? I can't believe I let that happen considering how very much I love it. Sometimes you don't put in enough effort, sometimes you don't know how, but sometimes things just fall into place :) Very very rusty but I know what to do to improve, and I can! I strained my right leg quite badly cos of it though, walking is painful and even jogging is quite impossible. Another lesson on the importance of warming up and stretching, for me, my muscles are especially prone to strain. Don't know how it'll be tomorrow, but I don't really mind not training. That's how sian I am about floorball right now.

Been using my iphone to listen to youtube videos alot lately, in a bid to even use one gb of the data plan :p Latest song that has just entered into my obsessive listening loop...

look at what's happened to me
i can't believe it myself
suddenly i'm on top of the world
it should have been somebody else

believe it or not
i'm walking on air
i never thought i could feel so free
flying away on a wing and a prayer
who could it be
believe or not its just me

2010-03-28T11:16:00.000-07:00

I've always known that I tend to blog when I'm sad rather than happy. Perplexed rather than carefree. I'm already very much cheered up at this moment :) But the afternoon was when my stupid temper reared its ugly head AGAIN. I hate it, I really really hate it. Whatever excuses I can come up for it - hormonal changes, seeing family violence from young (literally, throwing things around, things much larger and more breakable than a floorball stick), 'it's in the genes'... they don't adequately resolve the fact that it's my fault that I'm so ill-disciplined. Others could also have the same excuses as me, but somehow they can control theirs. I really hate myself for doing this, cos it inflicts pain and embarrassment not only to me, but to friends and people around me. What can I do to make sure I don't vent my anger in violent ways? I'm worried I'd become a parent who beats her kids uncontrollably, I'm worried I'll come home from work everyday and shout at my family cos I'm in a bad mood.

How do I remind myself, everyday for the rest of my life, that tempers must never be allowed to run free again. Whatever the reason. I normally throw my temper when I feel that things have been unfair, it stems from the same low self-esteem problem; the feeling that people don't like me thus they treat me unfairly. Even if it is true, there is absolutely no reason to ever throw your temper with regards to people you love. I mean if you are being victimized by strangers that's a different story.

What must I do to curb this problem? Does something really bad have to happen to me, do I have to lose something, before I can change? Maybe I already have. It's not a very positive thought though, to change only because I'm afraid of losing things. I must change because if so many other people can do it, so can I, and no one I love deserves to have such mental violence inflicted on them, in direct or indirect ways.

The painting of my life is in my hands. Though some of it was already painted before I was born, though my childhood severely smudged the picture, it's up to the grown-up me to add in the rainbows and remove the lurking shadows, to do the best I can to transform it into a artwork I'd be proud of.

_____________________________________________

Well I had three days of fun and happiness before the silly shit on sunday.

Thursday - We finished my fyp report, totally, at last :) We printed it on wednesday but only noticed some glaring mistakes on thursday morning. So there was a panicked last minute rush to print and queue up at the photocopy shop to re-bind. Nothing short of a heart-thumping fest to end off this arduous road. Went to jp kuishin bo for a mini celebration after that. Was supposed to have german lesson and I even brought out all my heavy textbooks for it, then my fyp prof asked us to 'go celebrate like now! just skip lesson as long as it's not mine!' Haha I was already very tempted to skip, and the moment she said it I knew there was no way back :p Still don't really find the one hour rush at kuishin bo a good dining experience. But it was our 'victory' lunch so still enjoyable :) yum cha dim sum buffet to come after the presentation in april :)

Friday - I know it was good but at the top of my head I couldn't remember what I did. So I tried to remember backwards, and I realised that I only woke up in the afternoon, hence the lack of daytime activity haha. Slacked a little in the afternoon then off to dinner at can 2 with eunice. Hadn't had the chicken chop there for quite some time, and omg still find it so nice! Then I tried to bend her blade for her and show her how to do the most basic airhook. Quite a success, only to find out from jh later that our blades are not bent enough haha. Felt bad, but at least it'll be easier when we get it bent properly!

Saturday - Woke up super duper early (7 on a saturday!?) for the runroundntu thing. We were rather sian about it for some time but decided that it could be fun. And of course it turned out so :) Primarily because of the services of my best friend the iphone cam. Camwhored and camwhored, made people pose for me, caught really once in a lifetime moments. I think I'm cultivating a really intuitive understanding with my iphone cam :) The blue sky was simply splendid that morning, so blue and clear that by looking at it you would feel that life's good and the world's a beautiful place. All in all I wouldn't have missed saturday morning for the world, loved it. Haha and also inducted may lim into the letstryairhook club, our symbol is a halfball :D Floorball on the rooftop is just amazing :)

Sunday - Today, the ithrewmytemper day. Besides that, 3 on 3 is always fun, and we rather unexpectedly made it to second place! Team captain planet! Tingyi - dependable zai kia, Jiehong - the person I want in my team cos it's so scary to play against him, May Lim - mvp in semis la haha, scored the only goal! And myself, tend to make stupid suay mistakes but also blocked a lot of shots la :) Prize was $150 ntuc voucher, not bad. I can buy groceries that I wanted but didn't want to spend on now :)

2010-03-24T14:29:00.000-07:00

I'd like to ask everyone if they are happy with their lives. Cos on a whole, it's very hard to say that I am. Is it cos I'm demanding, hard to please, and hanker after things I don't have? Or compared to people around me (don't compare me to fricking africa cos then there'll be no more argument), my life really ain't that good.

Make no mistake, I was really at ease a few hours ago. But it only took a few minutes to cast me into the shadows.

There are scenarios I encounter, things people tell me, that make me upset. I dare not voice out my unhappiness cos I'm afraid of what they will think of me. That I'm childish and mean.

How much of our own happiness is actually under our control really. How much of it can be manipulated, how much can we actually alter our feelings?

If I'm inherently unhappy about something, no matter how much I tell myself I shouldn't be, I can't change it. And if you're unhappy and you just tell yourself to appreciate the good instead, to some extent isn't it ignoring the problem and forcing yourself?

I mean there's a very fine line isn't it, between being positive and being overly so. What if some things are actually worth being sad over. It could actually be a trigger for improvement sometimes.

I'm in a very confused mood.

Over whether I have the privilege to be unhappy over things that normal people wouldn't be unhappy about. And just ignore the people who do it to you. Tell them outright and scold them maybe, and generally spoil relations. Or that I'm being unreasonable and weird and I should just grow up.

It depends on the people in question too I guess. Reminder that the self comes first, who cares about relations and proper behavior and stuff, the most important thing is my own sanity and well-being right.

As I reflect, I know that there are things about me I should change. Low self esteem for example. If only I knew how.

I've been hooked on this song lately, by the talented elton john (melody) and bernie taupin (lyrics) way back in '73...

so goodbye yellow brick road
where the dogs of society howl
you can't plant me in your penthouse
i'm going back to my plough

back to the howling old owl in the woods
hunting the horny back toad
oh I've finally decided my future lies
beyond the yellow brick road

On the first few listenings I loved the lyrics for its straightforward meaning, and after more and more times I think that they can mean much more than that.

2010-03-24T11:38:00.000-07:00

The world is a different place when you stand on higher ground uninhibited by ceilings. Even up-slopes disguise themselves pretty well, they don't look as steep. I was a happy girl as I walked to the end of the corridor tonight, climbed half a staircase, felt even happier, climbed all the way to the rooftop, and felt euphoria. At that moment all I desired was a penthouse of my own, a home where I could enjoy the breeze and watch the inky black sky every night.

My mood wasn't good at all just an hour before. I had just finished doing my fyp today (printed it out in hard copy no less), but felt worried over my next two essays, and had general withdrawal symptoms from finishing a tough task. I couldn't settle down enough to start work on the other essays, and sat around listlessly. Then I went to the toilet and somehow, scraped the sharp edge of the cubicle door on my big toe as I opened it, cos the door ends very far down. And it ended up being, well, painful! My first instinct was to curse the stupid new toilet designs haha but I got over it in a few minutes. And after talking to some friends online, I started to rationalise that the other essays should be easier to settle than fyp. Reminder to self: numerous edits, picky editors, tricky searching of articles, unsmokable, pressure to have perfect classy english. I'm in control of the other essays; searching of info is minimal for management, and history is more interesting than not. Bright side please :)

As I stood on the not-often-enough-appreciated rooftop, I felt a tinge of regret that I didn't come up here more often. True there is some weird toilet smell sometimes, but I didn't really notice it tonight. I took a 360 degree look around me, and smiled at how much my hall looks like a peaceful chalet from here. The feeling of looking at these seemingly normal scenes of buildings and trees can't be described in words. It resides somewhere in the heart.

Sometimes the sky is not all that starless, some stars just take a moment to appear. At times you may forget them, at times you can't have them, but they're there. I was very sad at the thought that most of my friends are not here in hall with me this year, but now I start to appreciate the relationship I can have with this place. The place where you all walked through and touched my life, the place which still holds our memories in its very soul.

There's no place like hall.

2010-03-23T13:31:00.001-07:00

The reason why I'm suddenly writing so much, is cos I deactivated my fb account temporarily and am still trying to get used to it. I've been thinking about what yr said about not being on fb and having an enriching life. Then I felt that going to fb just helps to ease boredom, it doesn't actually add anything positive into my life. I don't use it to keep in touch with anyone, say hi to anyone. I just go on there everytime I come onto my laptop and view other peoples' photos, status updates. Most of whom are not even my friends. Not to mention its really laggy and you waste a ton of time going through a few photos. I spend time laughing at peoples' funny photos, which is just another avenue of bad karma. And then there's that stupid photo tagging business, I like seeing friends' photos and it may seem innocent and all but sometimes it can drive me up the wall. You've gotta admit that it's a good social platform for events, and perhaps even too heavily relied on these days. I like the concept but it just takes one recalcitrant 'friend' to spoil your experience. Fb may be ok if you log in from time to time I guess, but when it's become the way of life it gets too much. And there were recent events that I couldn't stand anymore, such as my own stupid indisciplined hands clicking on things I shouldn't have, seeing things I didn't want to see. It's just some stupid words, imagine if the profile wasn't locked and I could view photos. That will rape my senses dry and throw me down a cliff into a dark black ocean. So I've had enough and I'm taking a break.

2010-03-23T13:14:00.000-07:00

take a leaf out of the city
and remember to give it to me

...not. i didn't get it then, and there's no reason why i should get it now. nothing else you do can hurt me just as much as it did. there's no way you can surpass that.

2010-03-23T12:38:00.000-07:00

I cannot help but have a heavy heart when I feel that there are some people around who are suspiciously not sincere. I just don't feel happy seeing them cosy up to nice people. And I can never trust people who I thought were friends, but turned out not to be.

Honestly some parts of it are none of my business, and for the latter, it's their loss. It's still sad to think about it.

It's 3.45am in the morning. I did fyp for more than 12 hours last night and went to bed at 12 noon today, had a short and not restful sleep in the afternoon, then had a nice dinner at crystal jade with eunice and the pandadogs :) Came back to hall and chit chatted with eunice and may lim for like 2 hours! How time flies when you're just talking huh. Good thing about today is that my prof got back to us with our latest draft and there's nothing more to add! Just got to get the citations done. Which I'm really too tired to do now, guess I can get my sleep cycle a little more back to normal and sleep soon. Last thorough editing and addition of citations tomorrow, and its adios to fyp! Bittersweet. Have two more essays to complete but omg I can't believe that this is seriously the end of fyp. I remember all the initial pains I had during the literature review process, when I wasn't that good at it and even more unmotivated. When the deadlines came and I still couldn't get things done and I felt like life was worth ending. Haha stupid. The numerous edits of the different sections were tedious but it can't be said that it wasn't interesting. There is so much more about mass communication strategies and how people perceive things that I know now. I don't think I'm smart enough to remember stuff well enough and digest them and apply them that easily, but with a background it's better than nothing. And we're gonna send a draft of the report to the international conference. Denver dreaming!

Haha there are gorgeous pictures of the rockies which embody the city, but I've always had a fascination for the different metropolises around the world especially in the USA. Just being in a big city, walking the busy streets, seeing the magnificent skyscrapers, soaking in the culture, turns me on just as much as visiting a great work of nature. I honestly don't think I deserve to go on the trip, but IF we really do get in it's gonna be sponsored, how can you say no to that...

I have had cold hands when it enters the wee hours of the morning, for the past two nights. And my feet are always cold at night, so I always put them below a leg pillow when I sleep. It could either be bad blood circulation, though I have no idea why I would have that, or mild anaemia. Which I'm pretty sure I have. There are some days of pms whereby I can get up from a sitting position and have to stand and wait for a few seconds cos I go dizzy. Another common cause for the cold hands is diabetes, which I have hereditary predisposition and hope I don't have, especially at this young age.

Gonna go get warm water in my bottle to warm those hands up, and wear long socks to sleep tonight.

2010-03-23T12:18:00.000-07:00

Dog Philosophy:

1. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
2. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
3. When loved ones come home, always run and greet them.
4. When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.
5. Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
6.Take naps and always stretch before rising.
7. Run, romp and play daily.
8. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
9. Be loyal.
10. Never pretend to be something you're not.
11. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
12. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
13. Delight in the simple joys of a long walk.
14. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
15. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
16. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
17. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
18. No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

Got this off dogwork.com, thought it was cute :) And here are my favourite pics of my favourite dog, bagel, bin's golden retriever. Such a friendly, lovable, sweet dog :) She has another dog called caramel too but didn't get to play with her as she's still young and naughty and locked up haha.

2010-03-21T14:26:00.000-07:00

At this moment in time, I think I've managed to wake up, cut it up into pieces, and placed it into the freezer. I thank my friends, very very much.

I have better things to worry about, like my own sanity and health. If I manage to pull through this ordeal, I've the best blessings in the world, and I'll remember and be thankful for it every day of my life. If I don't, I guess I've to make do. But I pray, deeply, that I'll be.

If there's a message for anyone, it's... learn.

2010-03-19T01:40:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon, you manage to wind your way into my thoughts at any time of the day. A hug feels the same then and now. Even now, I feel your thoughts.

2010-03-18T17:39:00.000-07:00

Yawns. It's 8 in the morning and I'm going to sleep. Been toiling at fyp for almost the entire night but oddly its one of the happiest I've felt for the past few days. I'm still thinking about and enjoying proper meals as though they're the only thing in my life right now. But it's been a surprisingly fulfilling night. Till I snooped around my own fb profile and my old wall and gifts and shit, and I saw something that made me smile ever so widely, then I clicked on something that made me frown my whole face away again. This was the very action that triggered my anger last december, and I don't learn from my mistakes do I. Fb is seriously quite a toxic thing. Sigh. I have the trump card to make myself better though.

I hope I can get to sleep and have a good one without any more negative dreams. Looking forward to hall production later, very very much :)

2010-03-17T11:27:00.000-07:00

Not in the mood to do anything today, think, talk, much less write. Fyp this afternoon was a do-or-die so I'm glad I got that done. Had to do more editing at night but I simply was too tired to do it. Giddy and weak the past 2 days, I don't know why and it's scary. There are so many possible explanations, the most positives ones being pms and mental block against doing work. It's late and I should sleep, but I'm preoccupied. I feel that if I turned off my laptop and went to bed with a book, I would feel helpless and restless. Such a familiar feeling, but it never fails to disarm me, every time.

I have no wish to go for lessons tomorrow, at all. I could never have predicted that I was this weak, I thought I was just like any other girl. I sure didn't prepare myself for this, cos I sincerely thought I didn't need to. Others have had childish notions, but it seems as though I'm the only one whom the years have failed to unsweeten.

If I were actively around others, doing stuff, talking, it wouldn't come to this. But when you have to do schoolwork, most of the time you'll be alone in your room. I understand I can't disturb friends all the time, and most of the time there isn't anyone I'd like to talk to online (i don't know how it came to this). Hopefully when I start working and get tired out, I won't have time to think about all this anymore.

I have this habit of highlighting and unhighlighting words on the screen for fun and just as I was highlighting a word to change, my finger slipped and I deleted a whole chunk of words. It's irritating but I always try my best to remember what I wrote and start writing again. No matter how angry, pathetic I am, I'll always want to admit and document how I felt. And I really dislike giving up on things and not completing things I wanted to. Maybe this would explain my behavior a little. Maybe there is an abnormal kink, a neon colored portion of my DNA that imbues me with the extraordinary disability to give up on something I really want.

2010-03-17T10:42:00.000-07:00

if i had never met you, i wouldn't have liked you
if i had never liked you, i wouldn't have loved you
if i had never loved you, i wouldn't have missed you
but i did, i do and i will

-author unknown

2010-03-17T10:13:00.000-07:00

the only type of song that wouldn't make me cry...

i need love, love to ease my mind
i need to find time, someone to call mine

my mama said you can't hurry love
no you'll just have to wait
she said love don't come easy
it's a game of give and take
you can't hurry love, no you'll just have to wait
just trust in a good time
no matter how long it takes

how many heartaches must I stand
before I find the love to let me live again
right now the only thing that keeps me hanging on
when I feel my strength, oh it's almost gone

i remember mama said
you can't hurry love
no you'll just have to wait
she said love don't come easy
it's a game of give and take
how long must I wait, how much more must I take
before loneliness, will cause my heart, heart to break

no I cant bear to live my life alone
i grow impatient for a love to call my own
but when I feel that I, I can't go on
these precious words keep me hangin' on

i remember mama said you can't hurry love
no you'll just have to wait
she said love don't come easy
it's a game of give and take
you can't hurry love
no you'll just have to wait
just trust in a good time
no matter how long it takes, gotta wait

no love, love don't come easy
but I keep on waiting
anticipating for that soft voice
to talk to me at night
for some tender arms to hold me tight
i keep waiting, till that day
but it ain't easy
no you know it ain't easy

2010-03-16T14:53:00.001-07:00

yesterday
all my troubles seemed so far away
now it looks as though they're here to stay

oh i believe in yesterday

yesterday
love was such an easy game to play
now i need a place to hide away

oh i believe in yesterday

2010-03-16T13:18:00.000-07:00

plagued by temptations...
what if the forbidden fruit has worms...

fyp induced headache starting again...

cup noodles are addictive...

2010-03-16T08:01:00.001-07:00

I dreamed a dream... of monsters and dragons and the fire in my heart. I dreamed a dream of all my fears and poisons and of things I wish would never come. I wish for you to be happy, with someone whose name and face I'd never want to see. I wish I never knew anything about her. Why did I have to know in the first place. Even before we were two, even before you were one. The very name, the very passions, the very facts and faces and figures are holding on to the veins in my heart and pinching them. They scream so loud and lose all their senses and exaggerate their pain.

All my twenty three years I've wished I would meet you, and I did, but I wish I never knew her...

2010-03-15T13:47:00.000-07:00

deep in my pocket
i miss you
but there they shall stay
and take their
two teaspoons of tears a day

2010-03-15T10:08:00.001-07:00

A lot of work, a lot of heart, to try and look like how I used to. 2007 was great but even now 2009 looks better. Way better. Can I ever get it back?